Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous Matters of Me’ Category

Long time no Write

Posted: March 9, 2012 by shakesmcfly in Miscellaneous Matters of Me

Hello world, Its been a hot minute since I’ve written so might as well give it a whirl. Spaz, Hat-Girl , and dynamic Duo I’ve started working out… I will wait for you to stop laughing and compose yourself… but it is true, I have joined and attend a gym everyday. I can’t go into a place and not get pissed off by people it’s a curse what can I say, so I’ve made enemies with some of the other patrons (in my head). First off is Spaz, Spaz is a guy that will show up about 20 to 30 minutes after I do, he will walk on the treadmil for 2 minutes, go to the machines, pick one and do a set of 3 get up, go to the crunch machine do 4 of those and walk somewhere else. One day I felt he was following me, if I got on an arm machine he was right next to me, or hovering and waiting for me to get off of it so that he could snatch it up and change all of my settings….I mean I couldn’t wipe the sweat off of it he had jumped on the machine and changed all the weight and lifted the chair. As if that wasn’t bad enough the guy wears an awful smelling cologne (who wears cologne to the gym????) it is so bad that when he walks by you can’t even breath because his cologne engulfs you like you are drowning! Secondly we have Hat-Girl Hat girl is very fit, she is there everyday, has a guy that comes and trains her and everything. She is curtious and pretty much sticks to herself, but why would This person piss me off to get put on this blog entry…I will tell you why!! She parks in a NO PARKING zone…let me paint you a picture there are regular parking spaces from the street to the handicap spots, then there is a handicap spot and a marked off space in front of that for NO PARKING this is where she parks…. Sister (me talking to her) you are at a GYM you will be ok if you have to take 5 or 6 extra steps in order to make it to the front door. it has stressed me out so much I’ve considered leaving a note on her car, reporting her to the gym, or even getting her shit towed…ugh what makes her so freaking special she can park there? Finally the Dynamic Duo When I started going to the gym I found 1 tredmil I would get on in the morning, others would do the same, if you are a “regular” you pick a tredmil and stay there. Well there is a couple that started to attend the gym and the lady was on my tredmil… this is fine, you don’t know the protocal, I won’t make a scene I will just find a different machine and get into a routine with this machine. Fast forward to the next morning they are now on the machine I was on yesterday!! To this day I can’t get in a tredmil groove because these 2 are EVERYWHERE. I feel like one day these people will just stop coming, because I don’t think I can get over such stupidity and ignorance— I mean people should stop doing their New Years resolutions by now right??

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Randomness 9-22-11

Posted: September 22, 2011 by shakesmcfly in Miscellaneous Matters of Me

Randomness 101

 

I believe I will try to bring back the banana clip.

 

I really hate it when my maxi-pad sticks to my ass hair.

 

Sometimes you just have to fart.

 

When I cry I’m pretty sure angels feel pain.

 

I dance in my cube while listening to music, and pretend I’m in a music video.

 

If I could pick any era to go back and live in it would be the 80’s.

 

Back to the future II is my favorite movie and I’m not afraid to say it, even though it wasn’t even supposed to be made.

 

I played with my Barbies until I was well into my teens.

 

Could you be stuck in a room listening to AC/DC for 24 hours…I could not, not that I don’t like AC/DC…I would just need it in moderation.

 

When I grow up I want to own a hooters/strip clubs called T&A plaza.

 

I would do things that would put me in jail to have one intimate night with Justin Timberlake.

 

I took a kickboxing class and the following things are painful to do today: sneeze, cough, sit upright and take a shit.

 

 

Until next time

An Evening with The Haze

Posted: September 19, 2011 by shakesmcfly in Miscellaneous Matters of Me

The Haze: (thee hayz) Divorced mother of three; Zina, Chris and Shakes. AKA Hazel

 

 

This past Saturday the Haze and I went on a mother/daughter date, we began by eating dinner at a local seafood restaurant and then getting dessert at a bakery down the road. We then went to our hometown theatre to see the musical The 25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee, we arrived a bit early so we took a seat in the lobby when all of a sudden my friend Matt (the director) walked in to talk to us.

Matt: I am so happy you came!

Shakes: Oh I wouldn’t miss your directing debut for the world.

Matt: Well thanks so much, hey I hate to ask but will you be an audience participant?

Shakes: what do I have to do?

Matt: Just wait for your name to be called then you will sit onstage and the cast will sing and dance for you … you will also participate in the spelling bee, just do as good as you can and be sure you ask the following questions: Can I get the definition please and Can you use the word in a sentence?

Shakes: *thinking really hard about it* I guess so what’s the worst that could happen?

Matt then writes my name down and we walk into the theatre to get our seat, we sit on the 5th row first 2 chairs, but Matt then comes in a little later to ask us to please move one row up? The Haze was wondering fine, but I just told her they were probably saving that row for a school group or something. The play starts and they introduce the cast, it is a spelling bee so they are all “students” after they are announced, one of the announcers introduce some “other contestants” in the spelling bee —-the audience participants AKA ME. I walk on stage when my name is called and take my seat on stage. This is where the fun begins, they call us up one by one and make us spell two of the other audience members got out on the first round, but I stuck in there with my

Character: Miss McFly, can you please spell Mexican

Shakes: Can I get the definition please?

Character: of course, people who are from Mexico, Puerto Rico, and East Port Arthur.

Shakes: Can I get the word in a sentence?

Character: Jessica was not Mexican, just very tan.

Shakes: Mexican, M-E-X-I-C-A-N, Mexican

Character: that is right …take your seat

The play then continued right around me, the actual characters helped me with “dance moves” or movements I needed to know so I didn’t look like a complete turd. Then my turn comes up again:

Character: Shakes please spell Mustache

Shakes: Definition

Character: yes, a type of facial hair

Shakes: Sentence please

Character: I had the money but I must stash it so my brother doesn’t find it.

Shakes: Mustache, M-U-S-T-A-C-H-E

Character: that is correct

This time there is a HUGE dance song that made me spin around on these set bleachers on wheels and involved us ringing around the rosy AND strobe lights…. I was dizzy, blind and slightly out of breath but loved every minute of it. After that song there was a slower song, where one of the characters went into the audience and sang to a person ….the person in the 4th row AKA the Haze (that is why he wanted us to move)

Finally I was out of the Bee once the first act ended —- Thank goodness, because I was not wearing the proper shoes to running and dancing on stage.

After the show we went home and couldn’t stop talking about our crazy night at the show…definitely one for the memory books, and if you ever get to see The 25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee, anywhere by any theater company DO IT …it is a super funny show!!!

Bowling ( yeah I’m on a league)

Posted: September 15, 2011 by shakesmcfly in Miscellaneous Matters of Me

Last night was bowling night.

We needed a sub so my friend Amy filled in for us, we had a blast. I stayed consistent bowling a 158, 135, and 131. Amy didn’t start out that good, she bowled a very impressive 91, but on game 2 and a cranberry and vodka later she really found her “zone” she got strike after strike and spare after spare…before we knew it she had bowled a 192… everyone on the team we were competing against kept asking if she had a body double or a twin sister that she traded places with since she bowled 101 pins over her first game. About this time we were settling into our third game and Amy starts freaking out. “Where is my debit card?”

Me: I dunno you had it to get money out of the ATM, you gave me your bowling money, and what did you do after that?

Amy: I don’t remember!!

She then runs to the ATM to make sure she didn’t leave it in there, asked the guy at the front desk if he’d seen it with no luck. Where had she put it? She walks back and we are re-tracing her steps, over and over repeating ATM, front desk, bowling lane….ATM, front desk, bowling lane— finally out of nowhere she burst into laughter.

Amy: Oh my goodness I am retarded…. I started a fucking tab!!

 

No one said you had to be smart to bowl..

I Mean SERIOUSLY!!!

Posted: September 14, 2011 by shakesmcfly in Miscellaneous Matters of Me

Friday night I get a call from my local financial institution, I missed the call but the lady left a voicemail, “Hi this is Stacey with Your Mama Credit Union, if you could please give me a call at your earliest convenience.” I immediately freak out and check all my accounts, what could it be: overdraft, defaulted loan, someone stole all my money??? WHAT!?! All my accounts were fine and accounted for, but what did Stacey want? Even thought it was way past banker’s hours I called and left a message for her, “Hi Stacey this is Shakes M. McFly returning your call, you can reach me on my cell 504-Eatme or at work Monday morning 985-blowme.’

Fast forward to Monday and I forget the whole thing, but Stacey calls my cell and leaves the same message she did before, I immediately call her back from work goes to her voicemail. Really bitch you just called me WTF!!! So I call and talk to another representative. I get a girl by the name of Danielle who explains to me that Stacey has left no notes in my account so she doesn’t exactly know what she wanted, but that she would find out and call me back.

Fast forward an hour later and Stacey calls again, I miss it *shocker* so I call her right back, voicemail ….Damnit stay at your fucking desk I want to talk to you!!!!

FINALLY, she calls me and I answer it the conversation goes as follows:

Stacey: Hi Ms. Mcfly I see that you recently bought a new vehicle.

Shakes: in January?!

Stacey: well I wanted to see what your interest rate is and maybe we can get you a lower one.

Shakes: ok ….it is at 4%

Stacey: hmm what’s the year?

Shakes: 99

Stacey: Oh that is a really good interest rate, but why did you get the truck?

( this is where I insert rant: excuse me who are you Stacey….why do you need to know all this stuff….what does it matter why I purchased a vehicle?!)

Shakes: it is a work truck

Stacey: well why a 99

(Bitch Oh no you didn’t ….  )

Shakes: that is what I wanted

Stacey: well I don’t think we can get you a better interest rate is there any other cars you need to refinance.

Shakes: NO I just refinanced my truck like 5 mos. ago I am good

(Aren’t I supposed to go to them for this!!!! Why are they bugging me freaking me out when all she wants to do is meet some damn quota!!!)

Stacey: well ok Ms Mcfly if you can think of anything you need my name is Stacey and my extension is xt: isuck.

Shakes: *hangs up phone*

 

 

I mean seriously????? I might have to call her supervisor to ask if this is proper protocol for all their full service representatives…. Where is my cell phone?

The 2nd Floor

Posted: September 9, 2011 by shakesmcfly in Miscellaneous Matters of Me

In my building at work there is a ground floor/parking garage, the 1st floor where my cube is and then the 2nd floor. This floor consist of engineers, designers and “big wigs” of the refinery, so I rarely need to go up there, but today was a different story.

Danese…if you don’t remember Danese here is my other blog entry speaking about her:

“Pronunciation of Hello Danese: Ell-OH Dah-Nez!

There a little Hispanic lady that cleans our building at work, I have no clue what her name is so me and my friend Ama call her Hello Danese. Why you may ask, well that is another long-drawn out story for later…This story is about the randomness of the Hello Danese… always cleans the bathrooms around lunch, and she puts a sign out that says “CLOSED WOMAN CLEANING” ….even though she is cleaning the WOMEN’S RESTROOM. Why can’t I go in? What is so special that you need the privacy away from everyone? Is this wear you take your breaks? —- Also 6 out of 9 times I go to the restroom she is in there, pooping! How do I know it is her, because she wears the same white, wal-mart sneakers every day, how do I know she is pooping —SHE CARRIES SPRAY!!!! Something else is once it is her lunch time it is HER lunch time, there was a day I was waiting for the microwave and she just jumped the line and put her stuff in there like she’d been standing there for 20 minutes (like I had) thank goodness someone was almost done with their food in the other microwave or HD would have gotten cut…. DO NOT GET IN BETWEEN A FAT GIRL AND HER FOOD — PEOPLE HAVE DIED FOR LESS!!! Yes I do feel sorry for her that she chooses to eat her lunch in her broom closet (there are plenty of unused tables in the café Danese) and yes I do admire her for being so regular, and I will put aside the fact that she has to wear a blue apron that looks like something a traffic guard would wear, but lady I do time for this company I track your time DO NOT sit on the steps waiting for your husband to come pick you up I know darn good and well you are still on the clock…. There is no point to this story just that I saw her again 2 times in the bathroom while I was trying to “meditate” —– Hello Danese this goes to you ….if I get backed up from not being about to full-fill ultimate evacuation I am coming for you sister!!!!”

Danese was OF COURSE was cleaning the bathroom when I had to “evacuate” or for those that don’t know me “take a shit”…my only other option is to high tale it to the 2nd floor and use their bathroom, the only issue I had with this at the time was

  1. I had to climb stairs (not that I am lazy, we have elevators, but I wasn’t sure if I would exactly “make it”
  2. The 2nd story is an alternate universe: literally it is so confusing up there…you thinks you know what you are getting into (thinking it is identical to 1st floor, but it is not!) It is a maze of cubes and rooms that don’t exist on the 1st floor.

Instead of going with my head I went with my ass and headed up there…I made sure I left a trail of breadcrumbs so I could find my way back to my correct floor. I find the bathroom, run in and realize this bathroom looks like ours downstairs but is so much different. It just smelled better the stall area was more lit then ours and all the toilets were backwards. I don’t mean I had to stare at the wall while dropping deuce I mean when I reached back to “courtesy flush” I couldn’t find the handle where I usually find it on my floor, it was on the opposite side!! I finally manage to compose myself, flush and get the hell out of dodge; I followed my breadcrumbs and got all the way back to my cube. Although it was a little touch and go there for a second, I think I will venture up there more often—there are hardly any women up there so I was free to “run amuck” up there if I wanted. Looks like I might have to call that my VIP BR from now on, bring on the velvet ropes and red carpet …it is time to clean some colons!!

Dayman Vs Nightman

Posted: September 7, 2011 by shakesmcfly in Miscellaneous Matters of Me

There is a show on FX called Its always sunny in Philadelphia, the series follows the exploits of “The Gang,” a group of self-centered friends who run Paddy’s Pub, a relatively unsuccessful Irish bar in South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. “The Gang” consist of twins Dennis and Deandra “Sweet Dee” Reynolds, their friends Charlie Kelly and Mac, and Frank Reynolds, Dennis and Dee’s adoptive father. In this story I will talk about Charlie and his story of the Night Man Cometh, in the show it is to be a musical that “The Gang” put on, however when they go to read the script they see that Charlie has written it out in pictures….similar to cave drawings. The lyrics of the man song Dayman Vs Nightman are as follows:

 

Day man Fighter of the Night man Champion of the sun you’re a master of karate and friendship…for everyone

 

So you might be thinking…” what the hell is she talking about, well I will tell you: one night Jason and I decided it was time for us to go get a tattoo (that is what we do…don’t judge) and Jason had the idea I get dayman and he get nightman, but we would put it on as if Charlie from the show had drawn it. So we go to the shop and tell the guy the story: “hey this is our idea… blah blah blah… it’s always sunny …yada yada… stick figure… ping bong bing … little sun… jah jah jah… little moon” the guy then says “well do you have a picture I can make a stencil of?” I thought about it a second and said “can’t you just free hand it I mean it is just a stick figure with a little sun (dayman) and a stick figure with a little moon (nightman)?” he then turns around and says “I will see what I can do” I start to giggle, since he is a tattoo artist—can he not draw a stick figure or something that a 5 year old could draw?!!? Moments later he comes out with the pictures and they are perfect…glad to see he didn’t miss stick figure day in kindergarten! Didn’t take very long for us to pick it and for him to stick it, because we were out the door in mere minutes, it is pretty funny that a silly little 10 minute stick figure tat will bond our love forever ß Vomit hahaha