Office Space: Gregory’s take

Posted: September 15, 2011 by aquasac in Smell These with Aqua Sac

When I get laid off in two weeks, there are a few things I won’t miss about the workplace. That is, the incredibly stupid, asinine, pointless, and cliché bull spit people spout off while walking by my desk. Yes, Mike Judge brilliantly portrayed this in Office Space, but I have a couple of my own here.

Example One:

While eating lunch at my desk, someone will inevitably come up and for some reason tell me what I’m eating, like I don’t know, or ask what I’m eating by saying what I’m eating in question form. “You’re eating salad?” Yes. Yes I am eating a salad. You have an incredible eye and an uncanny knack for titillating conversation. Now go away. (These are the same people who, upon hearing “Chick-fil-A”, immediately reply with “duh, they have the best chicken! But I only crave it on Sunday, der”.) It’s as if I’m supposed to be impressed that they, like everyone else on earth, know that the restaurant is closed on Sunday and can pick up on the fake irony you’re trying to portray.

Also, this person, no, these people (since it happens EVERY TIME, EVERY DAY) will say “are you on a diet or something” when I am eating something that is not loaded with sugar or fat, coated with gravy with gummy bears swimming in syrup. I mean, I don’t approach them on their lunch hour when they’re deep-throating a Sonic foot long and say “what, you’re NOT on a diet?” Now, go away.

To finish off example one, these folks sit there and talk to me while I’m trying to eat. Seriously. A tuna salad is not that interesting. We don’t need to go into which type of oil went into making the mayo, and I’m sorry your great aunt had a stroke. Now, go away.

Ooh, almost forgot. There’s a Muslim that sits next to me that only eats figs and baby infidels. Every time he sees me eating something that isn’t fruit, vegetables or some obscure Mediterranean shellfish delicacy, he says “that’s not healthy” in a supercilious manner, as if I either wanted his opinion on what I’m eating, or as if I was supposed to get approval prior to eating. This Muslim basically eats nothing. I swear. He is grumpy and seems not to enjoy life in the slightest. Perhaps if he downed a burger every once in a while, his dick would harden, I don’t know. But, what I do know is I might die at the age of 90 having eaten much enjoyable, make-your-keyboard-and-mouse-all-slippery greasy goodness, while he dies at 95 never having so much as butter as the non-stick medium for his eggs. (butter also goes well with baby Jews and onion. I got the recipe from a Muslim cookbook.)

Example Two:

You would think that because I work with NASA engineers, they would be smart and somewhat cultured. No, they are the same douches you see wearing UT Coach Polos anywhere else. These shirts say “yes, I went to UT, I didn’t play football but I do wear the same clothing as the coaches when I watch the games on TV therefore I’m part of that team, or actually, I’m BETTER than being a part of the team because I coach the team”. In reality, these were the guys who got dodge balls lodged in their taint in gym class which later explained their propensity for homo-erotic bromancing gayness in frat houses.

There’s a million other things I could get into if I could only remember.

Oh, let me say on more thing. What’s up with women in the workplace? Really. I’m sorry Rita allegedly gave you a “look” which you cannot prove. I don’t give a flying rat ballbag. Everyday, a woman is complaining about something, some perceived slight. I always put these in my file cabinet under “shit men never do in the workplace”. One, we don’t cry in the workplace. God dang. How uncomfortable is it to see someone crying in the workplace? Hold it together ladies, for Christ’s sake. And, just because you two ladies are cold, while the other 150 people are warm, doesn’t mean you get to turn up the heat. Majority rule. But, feminism taught women today that they are much more important than men, men are evil, and if we don’t agree to turn up the heat, it’s sexist and a complaint will be filed with HR.

HR! Don’t get me started. A whole department created to take complaints from women… whoops.

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Comments
  1. girolahozz says:

    Geez… wow. HAHAHA. Man, this cranky Greg on MPMS is fun. First off I was following along until the duh and der sentence and chuckled. Deep-throating the hotdog was comical and the sorry your aunt had a stroke now go away was classic. The figs and baby infidels had me crying and quickly annoying my co-workers with my giant nose snorting like a Cuban in the back of a bar.

    Example 2 was great as well and man oh man, coming from a guy that mostly works with the ladies in an office setting do I get what you mean. Maybe guys are just oblivious to what’s going on around them half the time, but there are so many days that I have no idea I’m at work until someone comes up to me telling me that so and so was so ugly towards them, they thought. High School man. Yikes. And the HR thing was ROR.

  2. girolahozz says:

    Oh I’m sensitive all right… you just hurt my feelings ya yag! Seriously though, how awesome is Popeye the movie? I mean wow. Altman put together such a beast of a film… Robin Williams, you my good man ARE Popeye…

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