Crickets have some impressive gotchas

Posted: August 27, 2011 by aquasac in Smell These with Aqua Sac
Tags: , , ,

What would the return of Watch for Falling Bears be without first fart, then testicle entries from either yours truly, Aquasac, or the barrister of ball taps Girolahozz? By the by, Girolahozz is not a lawyer who represents people without ball-handling skills. I needed a descriptive word that started with B, and “barrister” just sounds fancy.

We’ve all seen the tacky truck nuts danglin’ from rednecks’ vehicles, but as it turns out, a certain cricket has the biggest…balls of them all. Well, relative to body weight that is.

From National Geographic:

The new title for world’s biggest testicles (relative to body weight) goes to the tuberous bushcricket, a type of katydid, according to a new study.

The sperm-producing organs account for 14 percent of the body mass of males of this bushcricket species. The previous record holder’s testicles—belonging to the fruit fly Drosophila bifurca—tipped the scales at about 11 percent of its body mass.

Impressive indeed. That’s equivalent of my schnuts being about 37 pounds (that’s 18 1/2 lbs per grape!). Imagine having to carry around a couple of beach balls filled with concrete hanging between your legs, for you guys anyway. How come girls don’t talk about having the ovaries to do things? That sounds like another topic for our Sunday after-church discussion.

The cricket testicle is actually that clear circular object in the scientist's hand, not the beans within.

The article continues:

“I was amazed by the size of the testes—they seemed to take up the entire abdomen,” said study leader Karim Vahed, a behavioral ecologist at the University of Derby in the U.K.

But the new heavyweight champion doesn’t pack much of a punch. The team was surprised to discover that tuberous bushcrickets have smaller ejaculations than bushcricket species with smaller testicles.

Come on, how can I pass this up? We’re talking about cricket jizz for Christ’s sake! This article was destined for Bears.

Then this gem:

For one thing, the male bushcricket transfers his sperm to the female in a “neat packet” that’s easily retrievable by researchers—”whereas in mammals, you’d have to provide some sort of condom to measure the ejaculate,” he said.

Likewise the female stores each male’s sperm packet in a separate pouch, enabling scientists to count how many times a female has mated in her lifetime.

So, the female cricket has a goo trap built in, kind of like a slutty marsupial. In humans, we call that Neil Patrick Harris’s mouth. I heard that NPH still carries Vinnie’s spooge in a pill pouch around his neck. For those of you who don’t know Vinnie, look it up, and be ashamed for not knowing your Doogie references.

Vinnie: Neil Patrick Harris's supplier of Italian sausage

Well, enough about recently re-established 80s child stars and insect gonads. Stay tuned for more worthless information from the Aquasac.

This slutty Koala is rubbin' one off on a tree trunk. What a great way to end a post.

  1. girolahozz says:

    WOW. I am ashamed to be laughing maniacally at this but seriously, well done and hats off.

    • aquasac says:

      Haha. when I saw the look of this Koala, I almost shat in my shoes (it was runny). Look at him, he’s going “oh, oh yeah, ahhhhh, yes, just a little to the left, YES!”

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